The One That Got Away...?
Dear Nya,
I met someone last year. It was the first time I felt not only understood, but also truly cherished, by a man. I grew up around male violence and experienced different kinds of it in adolescence and early adulthood, so this was very new to me. I was so surprised in his interest in me and so determined to keep it. Everything was going well, but his graduation date was getting closer and closer and he hadn’t found a job that would support him enough to live in the city. He warned me that he might have to move back home and said we could stop at any time, but it felt wrong to call off something that was making us both happy. Graduation week arrives and he spends his last few days in the city with his friends and me. On our last date we both got each other small gifts and said goodbye in front of my apartment. I never kissed him. He knew what was going on with me, so he never pressured me, but now I regret not being ready. He kissed me on the cheek and at the time it was perfect, but now that he’s gone and I’ve kissed other people, I wish I had been ready then because I don’t care about anyone I’ve kissed since. I haven’t seen him even though he’s been back in the city before and I’ve been in his. We “talk” at least once a month. I’ve gone a few dates, some terrible, but others really good. I don’t think I’m ready, but I try to be. I feel like I should be. It was so long ago, and my body physically feels ready, but I just never feel like ai click with anyone the same. I had also never been on a real date before him, so I wanted more experience. After dating multiple people and kissing them, I realized I’m at a loss. Some of the people I’ve dated are amazing, intelligent, and handsome individuals that have treated with nothing but respect. They’re attentive, sweet, romantic, and most importantly, they’re here and they want me. But I don’t want them, and it scares me. I’ve realized early on I didn’t just like the attention the first guy gave me, I truly liked him. So much. I don’t know what to do :/ It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him and I still feel the same as I did when I first met him. My friends are tired of hearing it. Whatever advice you have Id really appreciate it.
- Lover
By Nya Hardaway
Dear Lover,
It sounds like the two of you had a deep, meaningful connection. I’m sorry time took that away from y'all. If there is anything I have come to terms with in this life so far, it is that we can plan all we want, draw out what we think the next weeks and months will look like, and then be hit with something unexpected. In my brain, you two were each other's “unexpected."
I suggest next time he's in your city, or the next time you end up in his, reach out to him. I know the phone works both ways, but I don't think there's anything wrong with reaching out first if you feel like you're in the right place to catch up with him. I often tell one of my best friends when you're thinking about someone from your past a little more that usual and you have the feeling to reach out: reach out. Sometimes it pays to be a feeler and to give in to your emotions. When or if you decide to meet up though, be ready for any and all life updates. That'll be the hard part which is why I mention only reaching out to see him if you feel like you're in the right place to do so. Protect yourself first, Lover.
I also think you should take some time away from dating if you feel like you still have feelings for this person. Take the time you need to heal and come to terms with how all of this unfolded. Take yourself on dates! Go to the movies and buy yourself a sweet treat. Show yourself the love and care you deserve.
Now that I have served some rational advice, I hope you two cross paths again naturally without either one of you having to reach out and plan to meet. I want you to have one of those movie moment meet cutes where you see each other across the busy streets of the city while you're on your way to work… If you're into that sort of thing; I am. I like to think that when something is meant for you it'll return to you when you least expect it. If that is the case for the two of you, no matter how many years later it may be, I hope you reach out to tell me.
Good luck, Lover.
Love Always, Nya x