Dear Nya,

I have been with my boyfriend around 5 years and we love each other and were planning to be engaged soon. But he doesn’t get along with my mom or most of my family. He thinks they are very hypocritical, rude, and not welcoming. Well of course I believe [them] to be very welcoming, nice, and accommodating. One big thing is he is agnostic and my mom is Christian and he feels my mom looks down on for him for that. I am struggling heavily to defend my family but also support my soon to be fiancé. I feel like I’m being torn in two different directions and my mental state is worsening as a result. I am terrified it will end our relationship simply because he cannot get along or even play nice with my family. I feel like I can’t talk to my family or friends about it. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend/fiancé and of course I don’t want to lose my relationship with my family. If you have any advice on how to talk to fiancé about things or my family or to handle anything please let me know.

Thank you in advance. - Lover

By Nya Hardaway

Dear Lover,

First and foremost, I think you two should consider couples therapy. I am not a licensed professional, just someone on the internet giving solicited love advice to the general public. With that being said, that is my first slice of advice to you, Lover. Open up that conversation with your partner if you feel comfortable enough. There is nothing wrong with attending or thinking about attending couples therapy. Think of it as a little extra help making decisions together without any bias.

Second, I would definitely start by talking to your partner about why he feels so strongly about your family, and why he hasn't tried to play nice. Ultimately, the two of you are a chosen family and it is important to ensure that he knows his feelings matter. Once you get to the bottom of why your fiancé feels he can't seem to get along with your family, other than the reasons listed above, the two of you can start establishing boundaries with your family that will allow him to start to feel more comfortable around them... I hope.

After that, do the exact same with your family. Let them know he feels uncomfortable. Allow them to share their experiences with your boy-ancé, and why they're acting the way they are. Allow them to share their feelings, even if they're denying acting how your partner feels they've been acting. Only you know your family and can truly judge if they'll be receptive to your feelings and if true change can come from this.

Boundaries are important in my opinion. Everyone should have healthy boundaries with the people they care about. They help to ensure that your peace is protected, and they can really help to identify who respects you and your space. Your family has to understand that he is your chosen person and that he doesn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, and neither do you. It is always hard to put your foot down with your family, as we all know, but it is necessary to ensure that you can keep both relationships healthy and respectful.

I truly hope this helps. This is going to be a tough conversation to have with both parties but I believe in you. If there is anything worth fighting for, it's your loved ones. I wish you the best of luck, Lover.

Love Always, Nya

Stuck between a rock and a hard place