Letter to Old Friend: 23,000 Steps in Paris

View of the Eiffel Tower. Photograph by China Ang

By China Ang

Dear friend,

It’s been a while. Writing this feels like flexing a neglected muscle that very nearly atrophied. I couldn’t bear to face my letters. I couldn’t bear to face my past. 

I’ve been guilty of stewing in my angst and cynicism, fueled by my abandonment of music and the role my family played in that decision. 

I’m happy to report that after extensive therapy and accepting my absolute disdain to do anything else, music has won out. As I read some of my letters, I realized that it was an inevitability that I was too scared of. To be faced with the rest of your life was and is daunting. Daunting enough to run away from it. 

I’ve always been good at running. As a child I day dreamed about running away from home the way a kid does when they face a minor inconvenience. When I grew up, I honed my skills of avoidance to the extent that my last three relationships haven’t lasted longer than three weeks. 

Now I’m preparing myself for college applications. Again. But this time, none of my prospective schools reside in California. I am running, but this time, towards the future I want.

My recent solo trip to Europe cemented my decision. Writing that sentence made me feel like a pretentious, privileged 18 year old boy that wanted to “find himself” during his gap year. 

In all honesty, I don’t think my location was what helped cement my decision. It was walking alone through my life and not having to be anyone but myself. It was the way I could breathe deep breaths and calm my mind from the onslaught of guilt and obligation I constantly feel at home. 

I could’ve spent a week in the woods not talking to anyone and I think it would've had the same effect. It was the first time in the last decade I was able to live in the moment and not think. 

Being a resident in my own mind can be overwhelming and I didn’t think that I would ever be free from that. I faced the rest of my life with dread knowing that it would always be too loud. I was pleasantly surprised that when I landed in London, familiar thoughts couldn’t penetrate through my barriers.

I was especially surprised that when I decided to visit Paris for a day without letting my family know, I wasn’t bombarded with feelings of guilt but with intense freedom. I thought I would be nervous to be in a country where I didn’t speak the language and was accompanied only by my shrinking wallet, an empty tote bag and my passport. But instead I was met with a brimming sense of adventure that I didn’t know I was capable of. 

I had lunch on the steps of the Paris Opera house, walked in silence and awe towards the Louvre and people watched in front of the Eiffel Tower. I even braved the subway devoid of music or any of my creature comforts. I saw everything I could in nine hours, in 23,000 steps. 

It made me more determined to make my life my own. It made me want to seize every day with the same sense of unknowing as I did in Paris. Goddammit, I want to enjoy it again. 

Sincerely,

China Ang