Learning to Work With My Brain
By Devon Pizano
Growing up, I always felt different but did not know why. For example: birthdays were uncomfortable for me. I would cry and scream when hearing people sing "Happy Birthday". Loud and jarring noises would overwhelm me; similarly, hearing too many people talking caused me to panic. I had difficulty making friends because I had a hard time talking to people. And I was not comfortable being touched. Overall, I knew I was different from other people but was never given an answer about why.
Then one day while watching TV, a public service for autism screening came on. It showed a child's birthday party. It showed a child in emotional distress from people singing around them. After viewing, I sat there silently crying because it was the first time that I had a word to describe what I had been experiencing for as long as I can remember. I started the journey of getting confirmation; I took every online assessment I could find. I read blogs and discovered that the more I read, the feeling of finding myself grew stronger. This also increased through watching more videos from autistic creators. The hardest step was approaching the subject with my therapist.
I heard stories of people's concerns being dismissed because of being able to maintain eye contact or hold a conversation. This is especially true for people Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB). This is because the symptoms of autism can present differently from males to females. My therapist surprised me by acknowledging my experiences and working through the process of getting me answers.
Every week I processed through really difficult emotions and delved into things such as how I have trouble being around a lot of people without headphones on. I also have navigated the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin whenever someone taps on any part of me to get my attention. These difficulties manifested themselves into other prominent issues. Such as, the fact that I would eat the same things for lunch because the thought of trying something outside of my safe foods made me uncomfortable.
Reflecting on one specific therapy session, we looked at the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) criteria for autism. With each bullet point, I found myself getting more and more emotional; realizing that I am not crazy. I finally found the answers. A couple sessions later, my therapist told me the words I have been needing to hear my entire life: “You meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism.”
In between sessions, I was working through a book on autism called Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Dr. Devon Price, a transgender social psychologist diagnosed with autism. One part of the book looks at the author's journey to an autism diagnosis and the other focuses on how minorities such as people of color (POC) and LGBTQ+ people experience autism and how to find community. While reading the book, I found myself flagging page after page until almost every page was marked.
It was a running joke with my therapist that the book was written by me, because most notably the author and I share the same first name. Another coincidence, we are both trans men. Autism is common among the LGBTQ+ population, while going through the journey of getting a diagnosis majority of the autistic content creators I found were LGBTQ+.
It is important to find a community that one feels comfortable in. And thankfully, the autistic community that I have discovered online has been so welcoming. They let me know that I am not alone and how to advocate for my needs. Funny enough, one of those accommodations actually earned me the nickname Headphones.
I am never without my Skullcandy noise-canceling headphones, especially at school. Music is how I function in the world; it helps give me a language for difficult emotions as well as cope with being overstimulated. I find safety and comfort at concerts because no one judges me for my differences, they are celebrated. I finally found myself.