Letter to Old Friend: I Don't Do Crushes.

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By Heinrich

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Dear friend,

You know that thing people do when they fall in love with strangers? When they envision a life with someone they don’t know? Someone they ran into on the train or passed in the hallways of school? That thing where people can see a future with a complete stranger?

I’ve never been able to do that. Mostly because I’m too busy doing the opposite.When I have a crush, an inkling that I am in any way attached or can be attached to someone romantically, which are rare and few in between, I do the complete opposite.

First, I only have a crush when I feel like I know the person. I’ve never been able to fall in love with a stranger. Once that crush has taken over every thought, I start to imagine the worst.

I imagine telling them that I like them and them telling me that it would never work out. I imagine myself getting scared and running away as I’ve been known to do. I imagine sitting in pain and silence while they call their partner “Honey,” on the phone. I imagine them ending a call with someone else with the words “I love you too.” 

I don’t do crushes. And this is precisely why. I catastrophize as much as I can because in this regard, hope is too annoying and maybe even a little painful. 

I know what it is to fall in love with someone knowing that it will never work out. Having a countdown of sorts, hovering over my relationships has been annoying. And maybe even a lot painful. 

Rejection, I think, also plays a major role in my catastrophizing. Everyone is afraid of rejection. It’s human nature. 

But if I were to go to someone for advice about this, perhaps a love advice columnist, she would probably tell me to tell them anyway. Alleviate some of the thoughts that seem to be on repeat in my head. Driving me insane. Or lovesick.

I don’t think I was built for a crush. 

Sincelerly,

Your friend